Sometimes we screw up

There is no crystal ball, there is no road map, no navigation system, no real guide to help us with decisions we choose to make in our lives.  We make decisions and hope for the best possible outcome, hope its the right choice, eventually heading us into the right direction.

I met a wonderful young woman, she was charming, beautiful, caring, warm hearted, & talented.  We started into a relationship very fast, and I grew distant, I was nervous, guarded, I looked for the bad side of everything (even tho my heart was telling me it was ok).  I had been hurt terribly in the past, my whole world had crumbled around me because I was so in love, I couldn't see anything except that.  When that relationship ended, I put up barriers, walls, I encased my heart in an iron tomb, never to be exposed or hurt again.  So when it started to ache, to want to get out of its prison, because of this wonderful woman, I kept it back, I held it down and wouldn't let it surface.  I thought I was doing the right thing, kind of like protecting a child, or a close relative, however I was never so wrong.  In doing what I thought was the right thing, I really ended up getting hurt again, and in addition hurting her.  I never wanted to hurt anyone, and now all I think about is her, her smile, the way she blushes, the scent of her hair, her eyes, the way she smiled.

I dont know what the future will bring, I only know that for a brief few months, that she was a part of my life, I was happier, more enlightened, and once more in love.  My hope would be that I didn't screw it up so bad that I cant be forgiven, that maybe there is some hope of us rekindling.  Im not sure, but the one thing I do know is that I found love again, so it can happen, the hurt can be healed, and life will go on.

I miss her with all my heart, I love her deeply, I believe she might have been my soul mate, and I want the very best for her, I want her to be happy & be loved, and for her to know Im truly sorry for keeping my emotions trapped.

....even if it isn't with me.