Another Disappointment

I met one of the most wonderful, intelligent, amazing, inspirational woman of my life.  I have had the opportunity to fall in love with this amazing soul!!  I finally got the courage to see if she wanted to become more than friends, we have EVERYTHING in common, down to the type of ice cream we like.... I couldn't have found a more perfect match.  However she is "seeing how things go" with another person from her past, that isn't a match for her at all.  This is a common story, a very real issue in my life, I just would like to understand what is wrong with me.  I know it cant be the other women, so it must be something I am doing wrong, or something about me that just isn't right.  I have been told I am the perfect boyfriend, however Im not sure how those ladies can say that about me when they have never dated me.

Maybe I am destined to die alone, if so then please come take me sooner than later :-(

Very Depressed and Alone

Sometimes we screw up

There is no crystal ball, there is no road map, no navigation system, no real guide to help us with decisions we choose to make in our lives.  We make decisions and hope for the best possible outcome, hope its the right choice, eventually heading us into the right direction.

I met a wonderful young woman, she was charming, beautiful, caring, warm hearted, & talented.  We started into a relationship very fast, and I grew distant, I was nervous, guarded, I looked for the bad side of everything (even tho my heart was telling me it was ok).  I had been hurt terribly in the past, my whole world had crumbled around me because I was so in love, I couldn't see anything except that.  When that relationship ended, I put up barriers, walls, I encased my heart in an iron tomb, never to be exposed or hurt again.  So when it started to ache, to want to get out of its prison, because of this wonderful woman, I kept it back, I held it down and wouldn't let it surface.  I thought I was doing the right thing, kind of like protecting a child, or a close relative, however I was never so wrong.  In doing what I thought was the right thing, I really ended up getting hurt again, and in addition hurting her.  I never wanted to hurt anyone, and now all I think about is her, her smile, the way she blushes, the scent of her hair, her eyes, the way she smiled.

I dont know what the future will bring, I only know that for a brief few months, that she was a part of my life, I was happier, more enlightened, and once more in love.  My hope would be that I didn't screw it up so bad that I cant be forgiven, that maybe there is some hope of us rekindling.  Im not sure, but the one thing I do know is that I found love again, so it can happen, the hurt can be healed, and life will go on.

I miss her with all my heart, I love her deeply, I believe she might have been my soul mate, and I want the very best for her, I want her to be happy & be loved, and for her to know Im truly sorry for keeping my emotions trapped.

....even if it isn't with me.

Relationship Realization

Relationships are like the tattoos you get when really drunk... They seem like GREAT idea at the time.

Trying to find a relationship is NOT like wanting to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather… it more like the screaming and yelling of the passengers in his car !!!

These are things I joke about on stage, however I have come to realize that maybe there is something truthful about this or maybe Im missing something.

Recently I got the courage up to ask a very beautiful, talented, remarkable person out on a date, to which she said YES!  I was very excited, I made the reservation at the restaurant, I reserved a table for a couple drinks at a great local tavern, and then I got a VIP table with bottle service at a club so we could go dancing and enjoy the rest of the evening.  The day before the date I get a text saying, "I don't think Im ready to date, I don't feel like Im not allowed to have fun yet.  Im sorry I am glad you asked however I don't think I should go".

This really caused me to spiral a bit, I went to a lot of trouble to make sure we would have a great time, I wasn't looking for anything sexual to come from this I wanted to go have a great time with someone that I wanted to get to know.  I wanted to see if there was an attraction there, and make it a memorable experience for her.  My goal was to treat her to maybe something she wasn't used to, or let her see a side of dating that someone might not have shown her.  Instead it cost me some $$, a favor I asked for at the club, and a disappointment that maybe I wasn't good enough for her to go out with.

This might seem like a self pity thing, I did go drinking after to ease some pain &  my BF told me this is all her not me, however one cannot help feeling some self doubt.  It takes a lot of courage to ask someone out, it would have been easier for her to say right then "Im sorry Im not ready" instead of agreeing and then saying that the day before when all the prep & planning was already made.

So my advise to all guys - Don't stop asking women out, however maybe make the plans the day before or make sure that the commitment is true.

To women - If you say yes, then don't flake out on it, go have fun and at least get to know the guy, he did ask and you did say yes, besides you never know you might actually have fun!!